Every night I lay down on my bed so Darren (or my Mom) can change my bandage. Most of the time, the two of us just make small talk while the changing occurs. However, there are times when I glance down at the site and begin to cry. I feel this overwhelming feeling of self pity and embarrassment. This line... a line that is connected to a pump, attached to my heart, that keeps me alive; it's part of my life. I should be grateful for this line....right? Yes, absolutely I should be grateful, and I am, with the exception of this past week. For some reason, the past week has been really hard for me, harder than usual. I cried a lot more, and just felt really sappy. I thought my drive line had become infected, so we've been changing the bandage twice a day, and the pain that comes along with this is, a constant reminder of that "line" being a part of my life.
Yesterday I visited my LVAD coordinators down at Emory. I prayed a lot going into this appointment, because the last thing I could ever need or want is an infection! I was reminded yesterday that I have many things to be thankful for. First of all, I am thankful that I have a wonderful Mother-in-law that was able to go to the doctors appointment with me. We had an awesome lunch afterwards and we had a chance to catch up on many things. Secondly, I am grateful for such wonderful friends that are concerned and worried about me.... 24/7. I am grateful for my boys having such huge hearts and worrying so much about their mommy. Kasen has taken care of me for the past 3 days and has really helped out. Kuper is just the free spirited little boy he should be with sooooo much energy.
But the most important thing that I am so grateful for is life! Thank you God for letting me live everyday with people surrounding me with their love. Thank you for my doctors and surgeons, and all the wonderful nurses that have cared for me since January. Thank you Darren for standing strong for the two of us when I was too weak to stand on my own. Thank you Mom for teaching me how to be the best mom I can be and never leaving my side. Thank you Thoratec for modern medicine and for a pump that is a Part of My Life!!
P.S. NO Infection!! :)
You went full-circle in your post. You ran through the full-range of emotions that all of us LVADers have experienced. We have all shed a few tears for our loss, endured the distress of a driveline protruding from our abdomen, been redeemed by the support and love of our loved ones and ultimately reached a degree of gratitude for the miracle of LVAD. It is the grieving process in action. And, though it’s so hard to go through (and returns periodically), you endured and overcame it beautifully.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was especially thankful for your report of “NO Infection”!