Monday, September 26, 2011

The Feeling of Guilt

This blog is a tough one.  I'm sharing a lot of information about my life, that I wouldn't normally share with anyone..but this blog is about me and it comes from my heart!

The week of September 17 - 23, Kasen was out of school for fall break.  After much debate, we decided  a week at the beach was long overdue for our family.  We had the opportunity to visit Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and stay in a house with my Uncle, Aunt, and my Parents.  The weather wasn't great; it was cloudy and rained most of the time, but we did have two partial sunny days on the beach.  We stayed busy everyday, with some sort of activities for the boys.  Darren took them crabbing, and they caught a couple of good size crab.  We were hoping for a great blue crab "free dinner", but only caught 2 (that we could keep).   Kasen, however, could NOT keep his crab to eat, and Kuper WANTED to keep his, but only as a pet.  NO pet crabs wanted or needed in my house!

Everyday was wonderful while we were away, however, I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt.  I felt guilty for a lot of things on the trip, but the thing that bothered me the most, was actually taking the trip. How could our family justify taking a vacation when we have medical bills out the wazoo, and we're sending out letters asking close friends and family to make donations for an upcoming fundraiser??  The truth is.... we can't!  (But let me try) :)
Most of you don't know this, but last year, Darren and I were going through some really difficult things.    I had given up on our marriage, and even began seeking a divorce.  Timing... however, and God's plans were NOT in sync with mine.  My plan was to stay in our house, (for the boys), through the holidays until the first of the new year, and then get my own place and move out.  I had started a new job and was on MY new path.  The holidays came and went, and January arrived.  I started the process, and BOOM... I got sick.  Instantly, the feeling of guilt came over me, and yet, Darren never left my side.  The sick feeling of guilt hasn't left yet, and probably never will find a way out of my mind, to a home of it's own.  Darren and I started marriage counseling and we are working (together) to build a stronger relationship...  One that involves communication and A LOT of dedication.

We desperately needed a vacation this fall.  One where we could enjoy each others company, and spend quality time with our boys.  One where we could appreciate each other and spend time with family.  One where the feeling of guilt couldn't overpower us.  Regardless, if we took this vacation or not, we would still have medical bills out the wazoo, and would still be struggling financially to survive.  So we decided that our beach vacation was well deserved and much needed.  After everything we have been through as a family, we could justify one week at the beach.  We were not spending any money that was coming into the NFT funds, and the feeling of guilt ... well, let's just say I feel better this week.  :)







Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It's Part of My Life

As most of you know, everyday life for a person living with a LVAD is anything but normal.  And if you know anything about me, you know that living with this has required a tremendous amount of patience on my part.  There have been so many things about my life that have changed, to name a few... I am required to take medication both in the morning and at night.  A dressing change, for the drive line is mandatory at least once a day, and taking a "quick shower" no longer exists.

Every night I lay down on my bed so Darren (or my Mom) can change my bandage.  Most of the time, the two of us just make small talk while the changing occurs.  However, there are times when I glance down at the site and begin to cry.  I feel this overwhelming feeling of self pity and embarrassment.  This line... a line that is connected to a pump, attached to my heart, that keeps me alive; it's part of my life.  I should be grateful for this line....right?  Yes, absolutely I should be grateful, and I am, with the exception of this past week.  For some reason, the past week has been really hard for me, harder than usual.  I cried a lot more, and just felt really sappy.   I thought my drive line had become infected, so we've been changing the bandage twice a day, and the pain that comes along with this is, a constant reminder of that "line" being a part of my life.

Yesterday I visited my LVAD coordinators down at Emory.  I prayed a lot going into this appointment, because the last thing I could ever need or want is an infection!  I was reminded yesterday that I have many things to be thankful for.  First of all, I am thankful that I have a wonderful Mother-in-law that was able to go to the doctors appointment with me. We had an awesome lunch afterwards and we had a chance to catch up on many things.  Secondly, I am grateful for such wonderful friends that are concerned and worried about me.... 24/7.  I am grateful for my boys having such huge hearts and worrying so much about their mommy.  Kasen has taken care of me for the past 3 days and has really helped out.  Kuper is just the free spirited little boy he should be with sooooo much energy.
But the most important thing that I am so grateful for is life!  Thank you God for letting me live everyday with people surrounding me with their love.  Thank you for my doctors and surgeons, and all the wonderful nurses that have cared for me since January.  Thank you Darren for standing strong for the two of us when I was too weak to stand on my own.  Thank you Mom for teaching me how to be the best mom I can be and never leaving my side.  Thank you Thoratec for modern medicine and for a pump that is a Part of My Life!!


P.S.  NO Infection!! :)