The week of September 17 - 23, Kasen was out of school for fall break. After much debate, we decided a week at the beach was long overdue for our family. We had the opportunity to visit Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and stay in a house with my Uncle, Aunt, and my Parents. The weather wasn't great; it was cloudy and rained most of the time, but we did have two partial sunny days on the beach. We stayed busy everyday, with some sort of activities for the boys. Darren took them crabbing, and they caught a couple of good size crab. We were hoping for a great blue crab "free dinner", but only caught 2 (that we could keep). Kasen, however, could NOT keep his crab to eat, and Kuper WANTED to keep his, but only as a pet. NO pet crabs wanted or needed in my house!
Everyday was wonderful while we were away, however, I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I felt guilty for a lot of things on the trip, but the thing that bothered me the most, was actually taking the trip. How could our family justify taking a vacation when we have medical bills out the wazoo, and we're sending out letters asking close friends and family to make donations for an upcoming fundraiser?? The truth is.... we can't! (But let me try) :)
Most of you don't know this, but last year, Darren and I were going through some really difficult things. I had given up on our marriage, and even began seeking a divorce. Timing... however, and God's plans were NOT in sync with mine. My plan was to stay in our house, (for the boys), through the holidays until the first of the new year, and then get my own place and move out. I had started a new job and was on MY new path. The holidays came and went, and January arrived. I started the process, and BOOM... I got sick. Instantly, the feeling of guilt came over me, and yet, Darren never left my side. The sick feeling of guilt hasn't left yet, and probably never will find a way out of my mind, to a home of it's own. Darren and I started marriage counseling and we are working (together) to build a stronger relationship... One that involves communication and A LOT of dedication.
We desperately needed a vacation this fall. One where we could enjoy each others company, and spend quality time with our boys. One where we could appreciate each other and spend time with family. One where the feeling of guilt couldn't overpower us. Regardless, if we took this vacation or not, we would still have medical bills out the wazoo, and would still be struggling financially to survive. So we decided that our beach vacation was well deserved and much needed. After everything we have been through as a family, we could justify one week at the beach. We were not spending any money that was coming into the NFT funds, and the feeling of guilt ... well, let's just say I feel better this week. :)
So glad you got to enjoy time away from home with your family. Sometimes if we get away from our normal routines in life, we can view it and our self's from a different perspective. For whatever the reason(s) your marriage was failing, It was not Gods will as you know. You have to try to let go of the guilt from your past and focus on your future. Our God of second chances has given you a new lease on life. Try to look ahead and give praise that you and Darren are still one . In sickness and in health was part of this plan I believe. You are here for a reason too, a new purpose in life will reveal itself if it hasn't already!
ReplyDeleteGod answers all prayers in his own time; one of my prayers was just answered.
ReplyDeleteLove you both,
Glenn
Isn't it just amazing how strong we really are? This test that has been handed down to us has really opened my eyes to the strength of people who I would normally not think of in that way, including myself. All our best to your family always. Jenny and Joe Smith
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